hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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