Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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