guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
