I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize