I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
