she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
