his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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