I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
