I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
