So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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