I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
