can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
