uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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