So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Drake has all the answers
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
