You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
