Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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