Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
OPIZZABONMYDICK
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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