Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
are you so shy because you have an std?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
