I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
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