i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize