I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize