I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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