You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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