The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
