My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
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