I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
