at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
