Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
time to smoke my breakfast
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
