you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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