Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
