You made me cry and you don't even care
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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