She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
