So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
