My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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