I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
