I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
