You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
