I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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