Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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