Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
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