Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
