$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
