It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
