I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Randomize
