dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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