think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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