I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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