You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
