I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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