Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
