i already hear my dad disowning me
You smell like stripper and shame
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
