Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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