just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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