His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize