what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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