got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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