I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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