Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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