I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize