I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
he had hair everywhere except his balls
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
