is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize